Saturday, April 4, 2015

I know... (A lesson in love)

Birthday reflections, Sept 2014.

Looking back on this day, I was swirling out of control in my life. I needed a place to ground myself, a place to start. Starting over isn't always easy, but the alternative...hanging on to the past, is even worse. It would take many months before I found my footing again, but I see now this was my starting place. One toe hooked into a root from the quicksand I found myself in. 

Things I've come to know, so far.
I am lovable.
*Neo is my twin soul.
I don't always have the power to fight my demons on my own.
My greatest fear is abandonment.
I find strange comfort in my sadness, like an old friend.
I'm an old soul. I've always known this.
I have an enormous of empathy for others, and almost none for myself.
I am my own worst enemy.
In times of turmoil, I turn inward and look for the lessons, the reasons, the things I could have done differently.
This introspection often turns into self blame and self hate, and that is my greatest weakness. 

I rarely blame others or hold anger towards them even if that was the direction it needed to go.
I take ownership of everything in my life, to a fault.
I love deeply and completely.
It is possible to love more than one individual,
and I know the vastness of complexities that come with it.
I've lost my way, more than once, and even though I've found myself on the other side I still don't know what got me there each time. 

I can forget why I'm here or even if I should be at all.

That last line there reminds me how far down I went; my toe touched the bottom of the pool and perhaps just slightly nudged me back up. It's not pretty, but it's honest. I read somewhere once that the most logical minds are often more prone to depression and I can see where that is true in my case. I sure can "argue" myself right into some dark places with some ill-placed logic. I'm truly blessed to have Neo during those times to bounce the opposing logic back at me. 

But, there's also some beautiful truths in there that were revealed. I do believe that our greatest lessons come from our deepest fears. And now that I'm coming up on the other side I can start to look at them right in the face and be truly grateful for the experiences that led me here. 

A theme in my life has been abandonment and different forms of abuse, mainly from men. I have done the work to heal from the physical and emotional abuse and learned to be thankful for those experiences, I have overcome those odds to build a happy, trusting marriage.
But, the abandonment is something new to discover. I didn't realize that emotional abandonment has been a large, looming, powerful force and motivator in my life. I've kept it at bay, I've lived on the edges of it, trying to ignore the truth of it, trying to keep the peace all the while soaked in it's dark cloud.

There are people we meet in life who bring up our fears in one way or another, some in a big way, but many times in small ways that come out as little irritations in every day conversations. They are little nudges to get us to deal with it. But, if we don't listen the big nudge will come...and it ain't pretty. What initially started with sitting in sadness and heartbreak from one area has revealed the real personal issues underneath. That's when true growth can begin.

The cloak has been removed and here is my biggest discovery, the lack of an emotional relationship with my father is a source of deep angst. Even though my parents divorced when I was young he's been there physically and financially. In his way, I know this is how he tries to show his love, but I never felt close to him. I could never figure out why...was it his upbringing, was I not measuring up in some way, and the big one "Did I do something wrong"? There would be little glimmers of what I longed for during a holiday, with family at it's best...but emotionally he hasn't been available. I realize as an adult I've held a mountain of resentment towards that distance, and I've had a part in building that wall, but at this stage I'm not longer open to it. I'm just so TIRED of the lack of effort on his part. I cannot hang on to fear of abandonment anymore and force a frayed connection. You're either in my life or you're not. 
And there it is...the answer I'd feared all along, he will not choose to be in my life.

Never in life has anything so non-existent been so exhausting as the seeking of emotional connection from a distant parent. 

It's taken a place of rock bottom exhaustion for me to give up this fight. So for now, I'm letting it go and I'm going to be okayPerhaps in time I'll rebuild my energy and make a real try at it. I really hope I will. 

I feel renewed. Relief. The fight is over. I can rest and be gentle with myself. I can heal.

I know one more thing... the biggest one of all.

The openness and love that I have explored in these last few years with my husband, Neo is incredible. I have had a moment to fall, to be hurt, and question it, but no. It's real. Only love is real and that is what I want for my life. 

~Love is not exhausting, it's open and free. And nobody has shown me that in greater depth than he. ~