Saturday, April 4, 2015

I know... (A lesson in love)

Birthday reflections, Sept 2014.

Looking back on this day, I was swirling out of control in my life. I needed a place to ground myself, a place to start. Starting over isn't always easy, but the alternative...hanging on to the past, is even worse. It would take many months before I found my footing again, but I see now this was my starting place. One toe hooked into a root from the quicksand I found myself in. 

Things I've come to know, so far.
I am lovable.
*Neo is my twin soul.
I don't always have the power to fight my demons on my own.
My greatest fear is abandonment.
I find strange comfort in my sadness, like an old friend.
I'm an old soul. I've always known this.
I have an enormous of empathy for others, and almost none for myself.
I am my own worst enemy.
In times of turmoil, I turn inward and look for the lessons, the reasons, the things I could have done differently.
This introspection often turns into self blame and self hate, and that is my greatest weakness. 

I rarely blame others or hold anger towards them even if that was the direction it needed to go.
I take ownership of everything in my life, to a fault.
I love deeply and completely.
It is possible to love more than one individual,
and I know the vastness of complexities that come with it.
I've lost my way, more than once, and even though I've found myself on the other side I still don't know what got me there each time. 

I can forget why I'm here or even if I should be at all.

That last line there reminds me how far down I went; my toe touched the bottom of the pool and perhaps just slightly nudged me back up. It's not pretty, but it's honest. I read somewhere once that the most logical minds are often more prone to depression and I can see where that is true in my case. I sure can "argue" myself right into some dark places with some ill-placed logic. I'm truly blessed to have Neo during those times to bounce the opposing logic back at me. 

But, there's also some beautiful truths in there that were revealed. I do believe that our greatest lessons come from our deepest fears. And now that I'm coming up on the other side I can start to look at them right in the face and be truly grateful for the experiences that led me here. 

A theme in my life has been abandonment and different forms of abuse, mainly from men. I have done the work to heal from the physical and emotional abuse and learned to be thankful for those experiences, I have overcome those odds to build a happy, trusting marriage.
But, the abandonment is something new to discover. I didn't realize that emotional abandonment has been a large, looming, powerful force and motivator in my life. I've kept it at bay, I've lived on the edges of it, trying to ignore the truth of it, trying to keep the peace all the while soaked in it's dark cloud.

There are people we meet in life who bring up our fears in one way or another, some in a big way, but many times in small ways that come out as little irritations in every day conversations. They are little nudges to get us to deal with it. But, if we don't listen the big nudge will come...and it ain't pretty. What initially started with sitting in sadness and heartbreak from one area has revealed the real personal issues underneath. That's when true growth can begin.

The cloak has been removed and here is my biggest discovery, the lack of an emotional relationship with my father is a source of deep angst. Even though my parents divorced when I was young he's been there physically and financially. In his way, I know this is how he tries to show his love, but I never felt close to him. I could never figure out why...was it his upbringing, was I not measuring up in some way, and the big one "Did I do something wrong"? There would be little glimmers of what I longed for during a holiday, with family at it's best...but emotionally he hasn't been available. I realize as an adult I've held a mountain of resentment towards that distance, and I've had a part in building that wall, but at this stage I'm not longer open to it. I'm just so TIRED of the lack of effort on his part. I cannot hang on to fear of abandonment anymore and force a frayed connection. You're either in my life or you're not. 
And there it is...the answer I'd feared all along, he will not choose to be in my life.

Never in life has anything so non-existent been so exhausting as the seeking of emotional connection from a distant parent. 

It's taken a place of rock bottom exhaustion for me to give up this fight. So for now, I'm letting it go and I'm going to be okayPerhaps in time I'll rebuild my energy and make a real try at it. I really hope I will. 

I feel renewed. Relief. The fight is over. I can rest and be gentle with myself. I can heal.

I know one more thing... the biggest one of all.

The openness and love that I have explored in these last few years with my husband, Neo is incredible. I have had a moment to fall, to be hurt, and question it, but no. It's real. Only love is real and that is what I want for my life. 

~Love is not exhausting, it's open and free. And nobody has shown me that in greater depth than he. ~

Friday, March 27, 2015

The Green Knight

Today I read a book. 
I haven't been focused enough to read in such a long time. For a year I was caught up in a fantasy of our relationship and after all, no book could compare to that. Then, as depression set in I'd open my kindle to find a blur of jumbled letters. 
But tonight I thought, "Welcome back old friend. I've missed you."

My favorite author released a new book in a series and I was looking forward to it. These books have a strong female lead and various male characters which are distinctly distinguished through use of color, temperament, magical gifts and weapons, etc. I'd told you about her and the general story lines, not giving it too much though, honestly more interested in your favorite books at the time.

But, tonight I'm me and enjoying myself again. 

After a few pages in it absolutely blindsides me...hard. Is this some twisted cosmic joke?  I've discovered you're IN this book, this series. I cannot escape you. 
YOUR uncommon name is a prominent character's name. Your favorite color is his character's dominant features. When you first told me your name that niggling "I know that name" feeling came over me; I dismissed it. I take it in stride though and continue on reading until I realize even your temperament is there in print. And in those first few days and weeks the "character" you presented to me unfolded with such familiarity that we connected instantly, I thought cosmically. Each descriptive word crashes down on me like Atlantic waves on the shore of my fragile heart. If I didn't know our story better I'd say you'd read these books and like one of your role playing games you'd designed yourself as this character entirely! But, no. I know you, I knew you...gentle, caring, and fiercely loyal...that was not something that could be forged deep within in your eyes.
She often lovingly calls him her Green Knight. I remember him...and you...and I can barely breathe when I read it. How did I forget this? I have known this character for a decade or more! I always knew I had that lovesick brain fog going on with you, and (finally!) I feel the fog clearing. For a moment I wish you could know me like this, without that fog, and I'd be able to have deeper conversations with you. Maybe you'd know me better and you'd stay. Soon those foolish thoughts will clear as well. 

Do you know what the very first thoughts I had were (after the initial shock)? 
To tell you....of my discovery and to wonder over how life unfolds sometimes. 
Kismet. Synchronicity. 

But, you're no longer there... It's late and my night of reading has been waylaid by the Green Knight. 

(Journal entry: Jan 30, 2015)
The Green Knight by Toradh
You were in these books that I've loved all along. Sometimes still, I cannot catch my breath from the duality of the pain I feel having lost you and the love I feel having known you. Maybe there is a place where we've met before and time is not what it seems and you are here in ways I can't yet understand. Perhaps you sent him to me... I'd like to think that is true. 
I have been able to come back to this book with more ease in recent weeks. The pangs are duller when I read his name and instead I often feel comforted by The Green Knight. 

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

A Frame of Reference for the Past Year.

Embrace me.
Hold me tight ~ by Santiago Carbonell, 1960

I'm flailing around living from one moment to the next. One tiny thing can set me off kilter. I guess that's what happens when you're living in limbo, suspended in between the past and the future.

But, why am I suspended here? I'm not gonna lie, 2014 was a really rough year and it has continued up until now (Mar 2015). I'm uncertain where to place my next steps, I don't trust them. Like walking barefooted on sharp rocks in a slippery stream. I place each foot carefully, staring down at my feet, often stumbling in pain and only vaguely aware of a distant destination.

In the past 3 years leading up to this one, I found so much JOY that I thought I would burst with it. I walked on air; I shined from every pour. I boldly claimed to friends we'd found the key to happiness, my husband and I together. We explored life together. We gave each other freedom and love. We opened ourselves up to some beautiful experiences. I was incredibly social (for an introvert). Our sex life was better than when we were teenagers, seriously hot, intimate sex every day. We added people to the mix, we let them in, much excitement. It escalated. We kept raising the bar, letting more in. Our lives changed so incredibly that I often wondered when the other shoe would drop...but, eventually I let myself believe that it wouldn't. I could hold on to this new knowledge and never look back. I was open to true happiness for probably the first time in my life. It was big.

Well, the shoe did drop. And it's been a year now that my life has changed again...
...and again and again, the heartaches keep rolling in. I honestly don't know when they'll stop. I'm ragged and empty and barely hanging on. I'm fighting so hard and I've been holding it inside. I think, Maybe writing some of the big ones out will give me perspective?
It's a frame of reference, in the very least. A place to start.
  • Feb 2013: I discovered an old betrayal in regards to my marriage. It altered my everything, my brain rewired and I questioned every memory. I forgive him. I love him.
  • I stood up for myself in my family in regards to their outdated views on our teenage marriage/life. I asked them to stop gossiping about us behind our backs. They didn't like to hear the truth and have lost relationships with my sister and father in the process. I feel the loss very deeply.
  • A close friend passed away. Fuck you Cancer.
  • My best friend and her husband moved out of state. She was the center of our social group and I miss them both deeply. They are not great with text/long distance communication and their busy travelling schedule makes it hard to connect. It feels like a big loss. We are home a lot more now.
  • After a late summer trip to visit my LDL and his family, he broke it off with me a few weeks later. It was a year long relationship. He visited my family, my children, my friends...we talked daily. He wanted to remain friends but I let my pride get in the way. I have felt the loss down to my core. I'm heartbroken. 
  • We moved houses in December. I thought the move would help more than it has, change of scenery and the distraction of setting up a new home. I purged about half of our "stuff." 
  • Depression set in and I've been pushing through it in every way I know how. I have a daily self-care checklist that helps keep me on track. It's not enough, but it keeps me up on my feet.

  • Feb this year, I have had a major injury making me unable to walk or drive for 6+ weeks (currently walking, still not driving). On a particularly good day I put on my new shoes excited to add long walks to my routine, the exercise is so good for me. On day 2, I had a misstep and snapped my ankle so badly that just the writing of it brings back a PTSD moment and I cringe at the sound and thought of it. I thought it would be maybe a 2 week setback? But, it's been much worse. 
  • As a result of injury, I've lost one of my steady jobs. I did want to quit that job, but the timing couldn't have been worse financially.
  • The CHERRY ON TOP....The tax man can suck a dick...
This is real life here.

I have questioned everything. The questions have changed though. I'm no longer wondering what I did wrong or what I could have done differently with each of these major life events. It's a big step.
I have a spiritual belief that helps me refocus my thoughts and tells me to go easy on myself, to stay in the present moment. It's difficult when you find yourself in a head space of No-Joy, when nothing holds meaning and you can't enjoy anything you used to...reading, writing, movies, sitting outside, friends, sex...

Depression is a BITCH.

I miss the sex.  I'm still having it, just a whole lot less.
I'm terrified if I let it go that the sexual drive I found won't come back and that would mean our relationship could go back to some unhappy times from our past. My husband seems unconcerned and keeps telling me we are okay. He's focused on work, providing for us and his own spiritual growth. He is still my roots and the main source of love and laughter in my life.

I miss who I was before all of this happened.

I miss those connections with others.

So much has changed that I wonder who I am now? I realize I can redefine myself and create any future that would make me happy. It's overwhelming to have all that power. I feel myself suspended in limbo between what I was and what I could be. I just don’t know…and therein lies the fear.
I know that on the other side of my fear I'm going to find my joy again. I just don't know how I'm going to get there yet.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

TMI Tuesday: Flowers, Kisses, and Money

Flowers, Kisses, and Money…Welcome to TMI Tuesday

1. When did you last give or get flowers? What was the occasion?
It was Valentine's day last year from Neo. We aren't really big into most holidays, but he brought me white roses and the cutest stuffed Elephant. I cuddled it for many months. It was very meaningful at that time for us. 
2. When was the last time you had a long passionate kiss? Who did you kiss?
3. You’ve just been given $100 for no reason at all. It is yours to do as you wish. Will you save it or spend it? If spend, what will you buy?
I'd either plop it in an envelope for our trip to Canada or spend it on repairs to the boat. 
4. What is your most irritating habit?
Who me? Irritating??? Nevaaah.  LOL! Probably that I can be a know-it-all. You'd have to ask the people I annoy to line up. 
5. If you had a day off alone, and could do whatever you wanted, what would you do?
I have had too many days off alone as of late and I am not finding any enjoyment in it. I crave attention from Neo. If I were staying at the beach alone, I'd be enjoying that I think. BRING ON SUMMER!
Bonus: Have you ever had sex at work? Where–closet, stairway, office, boardroom, etc.? Do you regret the encounter? 
Ummm... Yes, both of our jobs have given us opportunities and not only do I not regret it, I want some more of that. Where?...well that gets complicated. Let's just say this...stairways, swimming pools, couches, one garage and several empty office buildings. One time there was the most enticing dentist office complete with a brand new dentist chair and a large floor to ceiling window view, but luckily I judged the risk to be too high because when I got out to my car, I saw several people had showed up!
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!

And if it comes back to you?

I love the way Neo's eyes light up in anticipation every time I take my bra off. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. for over 25 years and counting. I say to him "they're not that exciting," he says "oh yes they are. No matter the size or shape, tits are always exciting." His enthusiasm is one of his best qualities. Right now he has a full faced beard that's just filled in all the gaps. He is also beautifully bald, which if you think about it might seem silly, but he pulls it off sexily. I love the way it feels to continue the closeness of a kiss by running my lips and cheek along his soft fuzzy face.
He's my everything. My light when I feel so heavy, but these days he's my absolute anchor.

It's been two years. There are a million words I could plow down about the time that's passed, but not one tells me where to begin. I don't know what I need to say. I'm not sure what I'll gain from the telling. Or if moving forward bit by bit and letting it go is best. It somehow doesn't seem fair to the experience to quickly summarize, but I also know that my writing skills could never do it justice no matter how many details I expose. 

I have this "Soothing Waters" radio playing on Pandora. It's allowing me to begin this blog again. I've been having a little crisis of identity lately and often I think this "Nastassja" part of myself has gone. For the past 6 months I've been in a fragile enough state that I know I shouldn't make any rash decisions, so for now she's staying there sitting in the corner of my mind. 

I haven't gone back to look at where I left off on this blog. I know I quit writing the moment I met him... But not because of him, there were other things I was dealing with at the time. I was let down by an allergic reaction to chemicals the week before I was supposed to start a specialized lab school/progam. I was devistated by that news and it wasn't the first time my body had betrayed me at the final step of a big "dream" I had worked hard for. For a moment in time, meeting him was just a distraction I needed. I didn't know... It happened so fast, mere days.
I didn't know it would change my life.  

Right from the start, you were a thief you stole my heart. 
And I, your willing victim. ~ Pink