I haven't been focused enough to read in such a long time. For a year I was caught up in a fantasy of our relationship and after all, no book could compare to that. Then, as depression set in I'd open my kindle to find a blur of jumbled letters.
But tonight I thought, "Welcome back old friend. I've missed you."
My favorite author released a new book in a series and I was looking forward to it. These books have a strong female lead and various male characters which are distinctly distinguished through use of color, temperament, magical gifts and weapons, etc. I'd told you about her and the general story lines, not giving it too much though, honestly more interested in your favorite books at the time.
But, tonight I'm me and enjoying myself again.
After a few pages in it absolutely blindsides me...hard. Is this some twisted cosmic joke? I've discovered you're IN this book, this series. I cannot escape you.
YOUR uncommon name is a prominent character's name. Your favorite color is his character's dominant features. When you first told me your name that niggling "I know that name" feeling came over me; I dismissed it. I take it in stride though and continue on reading until I realize even your temperament is there in print. And in those first few days and weeks the "character" you presented to me unfolded with such familiarity that we connected instantly, I thought cosmically. Each descriptive word crashes down on me like Atlantic waves on the shore of my fragile heart. If I didn't know our story better I'd say you'd read these books and like one of your role playing games you'd designed yourself as this character entirely! But, no. I know you, I knew you...gentle, caring, and fiercely loyal...that was not something that could be forged deep within in your eyes.
She often lovingly calls him her Green Knight. I remember him...and you...and I can barely breathe when I read it. How did I forget this? I have known this character for a decade or more! I always knew I had that lovesick brain fog going on with you, and (finally!) I feel the fog clearing. For a moment I wish you could know me like this, without that fog, and I'd be able to have deeper conversations with you. Maybe you'd know me better and you'd stay. Soon those foolish thoughts will clear as well.
Do you know what the very first thoughts I had were (after the initial shock)?
To tell you....of my discovery and to wonder over how life unfolds sometimes.
Kismet. Synchronicity.
But, you're no longer there... It's late and my night of reading has been waylaid by the Green Knight.
(Journal entry: Jan 30, 2015)
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| The Green Knight by Toradh |
:Afterthoughts:
You were in these books that I've loved all along. Sometimes still, I cannot catch my breath from the duality of the pain I feel having lost you and the love I feel having known you. Maybe there is a place where we've met before and time is not what it seems and you are here in ways I can't yet understand. Perhaps you sent him to me... I'd like to think that is true. I have been able to come back to this book with more ease in recent weeks. The pangs are duller when I read his name and instead I often feel comforted by The Green Knight.
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