Friday, March 27, 2015

The Green Knight

Today I read a book. 
I haven't been focused enough to read in such a long time. For a year I was caught up in a fantasy of our relationship and after all, no book could compare to that. Then, as depression set in I'd open my kindle to find a blur of jumbled letters. 
But tonight I thought, "Welcome back old friend. I've missed you."

My favorite author released a new book in a series and I was looking forward to it. These books have a strong female lead and various male characters which are distinctly distinguished through use of color, temperament, magical gifts and weapons, etc. I'd told you about her and the general story lines, not giving it too much though, honestly more interested in your favorite books at the time.

But, tonight I'm me and enjoying myself again. 

After a few pages in it absolutely blindsides me...hard. Is this some twisted cosmic joke?  I've discovered you're IN this book, this series. I cannot escape you. 
YOUR uncommon name is a prominent character's name. Your favorite color is his character's dominant features. When you first told me your name that niggling "I know that name" feeling came over me; I dismissed it. I take it in stride though and continue on reading until I realize even your temperament is there in print. And in those first few days and weeks the "character" you presented to me unfolded with such familiarity that we connected instantly, I thought cosmically. Each descriptive word crashes down on me like Atlantic waves on the shore of my fragile heart. If I didn't know our story better I'd say you'd read these books and like one of your role playing games you'd designed yourself as this character entirely! But, no. I know you, I knew you...gentle, caring, and fiercely loyal...that was not something that could be forged deep within in your eyes.
She often lovingly calls him her Green Knight. I remember him...and you...and I can barely breathe when I read it. How did I forget this? I have known this character for a decade or more! I always knew I had that lovesick brain fog going on with you, and (finally!) I feel the fog clearing. For a moment I wish you could know me like this, without that fog, and I'd be able to have deeper conversations with you. Maybe you'd know me better and you'd stay. Soon those foolish thoughts will clear as well. 

Do you know what the very first thoughts I had were (after the initial shock)? 
To tell you....of my discovery and to wonder over how life unfolds sometimes. 
Kismet. Synchronicity. 

But, you're no longer there... It's late and my night of reading has been waylaid by the Green Knight. 

(Journal entry: Jan 30, 2015)
The Green Knight by Toradh
You were in these books that I've loved all along. Sometimes still, I cannot catch my breath from the duality of the pain I feel having lost you and the love I feel having known you. Maybe there is a place where we've met before and time is not what it seems and you are here in ways I can't yet understand. Perhaps you sent him to me... I'd like to think that is true. 
I have been able to come back to this book with more ease in recent weeks. The pangs are duller when I read his name and instead I often feel comforted by The Green Knight. 

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

A Frame of Reference for the Past Year.

Embrace me.
Hold me tight ~ by Santiago Carbonell, 1960

I'm flailing around living from one moment to the next. One tiny thing can set me off kilter. I guess that's what happens when you're living in limbo, suspended in between the past and the future.

But, why am I suspended here? I'm not gonna lie, 2014 was a really rough year and it has continued up until now (Mar 2015). I'm uncertain where to place my next steps, I don't trust them. Like walking barefooted on sharp rocks in a slippery stream. I place each foot carefully, staring down at my feet, often stumbling in pain and only vaguely aware of a distant destination.

In the past 3 years leading up to this one, I found so much JOY that I thought I would burst with it. I walked on air; I shined from every pour. I boldly claimed to friends we'd found the key to happiness, my husband and I together. We explored life together. We gave each other freedom and love. We opened ourselves up to some beautiful experiences. I was incredibly social (for an introvert). Our sex life was better than when we were teenagers, seriously hot, intimate sex every day. We added people to the mix, we let them in, much excitement. It escalated. We kept raising the bar, letting more in. Our lives changed so incredibly that I often wondered when the other shoe would drop...but, eventually I let myself believe that it wouldn't. I could hold on to this new knowledge and never look back. I was open to true happiness for probably the first time in my life. It was big.

Well, the shoe did drop. And it's been a year now that my life has changed again...
...and again and again, the heartaches keep rolling in. I honestly don't know when they'll stop. I'm ragged and empty and barely hanging on. I'm fighting so hard and I've been holding it inside. I think, Maybe writing some of the big ones out will give me perspective?
It's a frame of reference, in the very least. A place to start.
  • Feb 2013: I discovered an old betrayal in regards to my marriage. It altered my everything, my brain rewired and I questioned every memory. I forgive him. I love him.
  • I stood up for myself in my family in regards to their outdated views on our teenage marriage/life. I asked them to stop gossiping about us behind our backs. They didn't like to hear the truth and have lost relationships with my sister and father in the process. I feel the loss very deeply.
  • A close friend passed away. Fuck you Cancer.
  • My best friend and her husband moved out of state. She was the center of our social group and I miss them both deeply. They are not great with text/long distance communication and their busy travelling schedule makes it hard to connect. It feels like a big loss. We are home a lot more now.
  • After a late summer trip to visit my LDL and his family, he broke it off with me a few weeks later. It was a year long relationship. He visited my family, my children, my friends...we talked daily. He wanted to remain friends but I let my pride get in the way. I have felt the loss down to my core. I'm heartbroken. 
  • We moved houses in December. I thought the move would help more than it has, change of scenery and the distraction of setting up a new home. I purged about half of our "stuff." 
  • Depression set in and I've been pushing through it in every way I know how. I have a daily self-care checklist that helps keep me on track. It's not enough, but it keeps me up on my feet.

  • Feb this year, I have had a major injury making me unable to walk or drive for 6+ weeks (currently walking, still not driving). On a particularly good day I put on my new shoes excited to add long walks to my routine, the exercise is so good for me. On day 2, I had a misstep and snapped my ankle so badly that just the writing of it brings back a PTSD moment and I cringe at the sound and thought of it. I thought it would be maybe a 2 week setback? But, it's been much worse. 
  • As a result of injury, I've lost one of my steady jobs. I did want to quit that job, but the timing couldn't have been worse financially.
  • The CHERRY ON TOP....The tax man can suck a dick...
This is real life here.

I have questioned everything. The questions have changed though. I'm no longer wondering what I did wrong or what I could have done differently with each of these major life events. It's a big step.
I have a spiritual belief that helps me refocus my thoughts and tells me to go easy on myself, to stay in the present moment. It's difficult when you find yourself in a head space of No-Joy, when nothing holds meaning and you can't enjoy anything you used to...reading, writing, movies, sitting outside, friends, sex...

Depression is a BITCH.

I miss the sex.  I'm still having it, just a whole lot less.
I'm terrified if I let it go that the sexual drive I found won't come back and that would mean our relationship could go back to some unhappy times from our past. My husband seems unconcerned and keeps telling me we are okay. He's focused on work, providing for us and his own spiritual growth. He is still my roots and the main source of love and laughter in my life.

I miss who I was before all of this happened.

I miss those connections with others.

So much has changed that I wonder who I am now? I realize I can redefine myself and create any future that would make me happy. It's overwhelming to have all that power. I feel myself suspended in limbo between what I was and what I could be. I just don’t know…and therein lies the fear.
I know that on the other side of my fear I'm going to find my joy again. I just don't know how I'm going to get there yet.