Wednesday, March 28, 2012

He can't say no to me - My wall fell

Out of the blue Neo tells me last night "I can't say no to you" and he has a little disappointed smile on his face as he's toweling off from our shower.  I ask why?  I'm not exactly sure which type of "No" he's referring to.  He says, "I can't resist you, I can't say no."  Well Ok, he means sexually and that's really sweet. I love that he can't resist me. I hug him from behind and tell him I don't like it either but if it's a "No, not now/Yes later... I like that a whole lot." 

Hey, I'm a woman who doesn't like to be told "No", I can admit it.  And hell yes, I'm damn charming and why would he want to tell me no?  Heehee!  But, I've thought seriously about this statement because we are testing so many boundaries right now with each other.  What he's referring to is trying to understand the No a dominant would say to a submissive.  He's been taking in the words of my fantasies in an effort to make me happy and trying to process what the roles would mean for himself.

I've had this increasing desire for him to dominate me, be rougher, grab me hard, tell me what to do to him and for him, talk dirtier, call me his dlw, this sort of thing.  I want him to tie me up some, too.  That hasn't happened yet, but he keeps threatening me with the idea, to my delight.  (You will be the first to know when it happens ;))  And after thinking about his statement more, I don't want to be told no in bed or practice any type of withholding.  Instead of being told what I can't do, I want to be told what TO do. I want to give him complete control because he knows me, he knows my body, it's limits and I trust him completely.

Not only is this new for us, but it is a complete 180 from where I've been coming from in my head for over 20 years of marriage.  I was always in control before. I required things from him to turn me on before I considered sex. I told him what to do in order to please me; I guided him to help me reach an orgasm.  I was in control over whether we had sex at all that day, week, or month.  I was in complete control over my pleasure and in turn that meant I was in control of our sex life completely.  I can imagine the idea of turning control over to him is completely confusing for him and so I try to go slow with each new request, anxiously waiting his response (which has always been positive.) I know he thinks, Is this a trick? Will I make a wrong move that ends my chances for sex for the night?  The man has been on egg shells.  It hasn't been fair, I see it now.  The old model worked for us for a time (as they say everything has a reason and a season) and in certain ways it was necessary, but now it's time for a change.

Something happened one day last year and I just let go of this imaginary mental block inside that said, "Don't do that- it's not proper, it's not right, it's not _you name it_."  The wall inside of me literally fell one night and I just suddenly felt this gush of love and safety, and I said to myself "FUCK IT! - This is my husband and if it feels good, go with it."

I've felt so empowered and horny as hell ever since. 

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, my brick wall feel down, too. It was very, very liberating.