Wednesday, May 23, 2012

An unexpected revelation - A deeply personal journey

My personal reaction to the Fifty Shades of Grey series, so far.

This is not meant to be a review on the book, but a personal reaction to something I have read and I'd like to share.  Perhaps in sharing I can help someone in some way. 

Reading book one of the Fifty series I was nicely turned on by some of the sex scenes.  True, it’s not completely up to par with the smut I like to read, but it has some good tension and some good locations I would enjoy.   I really don’t like her calling her vagina her “sex” but I can understand it reaches a larger audience that way. 

What has happened since moving on to book two, Fifty Shades Darker, was truly unexpected.  I didn’t expect these books to put me into a thinking mode (at all), but that is exactly what has been going on the past few days.  I have been reading day and night trying to come to grips with this book and the feelings that are being mirrored within me.   Then it hit me; when Christian thinks he is about to lose Ana and falls to his knees switching from dominant to submissive, I emotionally fell to mine.  This makes sense to me; I have been there. 

As a person who was also abused as a child (sexually in my case) I had found my lifeline in Neo.  He was my personal savior all those years ago and continues to be.  He lightens me, makes me laugh, and loves me unconditionally (all the things Ana provides for Christian.)  I felt the need to control things and situations.  I made things around me orderly to feel like I was in control of something.  I welcomed gaining weight in order to deny my beauty and unwanted attention from men.   In my 20’s I realized why I was doing all of these things, but still I found no way to really change it.  The realization was helpful, but took lots of time to unfold.  

Now that we are exploring a much more intense and deeper sexual connection I wondered how I got from there to here.  How did I let go and get the past out of my bedroom?  It was a struggle sometimes, those infinitesimal moments that reminded me of a wrong doing from childhood and threatened my sexual satisfaction with my loving husband.  My brain struggled against me.  It was a conversation within telling me over and over “It’s over. Long ago. He loves me. He’s safe. I’m safe.”   I never knew when this would happen.  The length of time between those unbidden thoughts seemed to increase over time and I would relax some, but then hit me again unexpectedly. 

I have learned that to be rid of them is impossible, so I changed tactics. 

It started slowly, over a year’s time.  I found new friends who made me laugh.  I got rid of old ones who didn’t anymore.  I started going out and having fun with my new girlfriends.  With the detachment of our children growing up, I turned my attentions 100% on Neo.  Perhaps I made it a decision to try it for a weekend or some time frame, that part isn’t clear.  Once I did that, the floodgates opened.   My love poured out over him.  All of the set rules for my love flew out the window.  I tended to his every need and desire.  I wanted to.  I wanted to be everything for him and give him ALL of me.  (Anytime, Anywhere…NO Rules.)
I didn’t even realize all of the rules I had set for him until we started to explore and he was so incredibly tentative.  Touch me this way, not that.  Don’t say this or that.  Don’t move my body in this way or that.  Don’t sneak up on me…
Giving myself over to him took all control from my head.  There is nothing for me to control if I am giving him everything he desires.  And then a revelation, there is nothing to “think” if I am submissive to him.  That freed me. 

We have done a switch and it is something so deeply satisfying, I feel I’ve needed this for so long. We are still developing the lines between dominant and submissive and what that means to us in all aspects of our life.  It is quite enjoyable that we are on the same page and enjoying the learning process. 

The trust I have for him is implicit.  The love I have and have always had is overwhelming.  The journey we are now on is beyond my wildest dreams.  I wish this for anyone who has been through something difficult and come to the other side.

As far as the books are concerned, I am not finished with them yet.  The third one I see is titled Fifty Shades Freed, so I can only guess that this further mirrors my journey in some way. 
Am I truly free?

Your comments are welcome here…


  1. Wow, nicely put thanks for sharing. I almost feel like I need some time to digest before commenting.

    It is really nice to hear about your connection with Neo and how you overcame so much to be where you are right now.

    I think everyone in life faces some sort of adversity or hardship. How we handle it and come out the other end is how we shape ourselves and those around us.

    You could have chosen to be bitter and closed. Instead, it sounds like you opened yourself and are very positive, energetic etc... and have surrounded yourself with similar people who will encourage that than bring you down.

    Good for you! Many props to you!

    1. Thank you Ponyboy! It means a lot that you would share your thoughts with me. When you are open there is only room for love and he really taught me how to do that.
      So happy to have you here :)

  2. As someone who's written mainstream fiction, I've never understood calling someone's privates their "sex". It's a common thing in literature, and I'll be honest, I've probably referred to a woman's parts as her "sex" somewhere on the blog, though if I have it's only because "pussy" and "cunt" get redundant when overused. What I have a problem with are writers who use the word "sex" as stand-ins (and publishers who insist on it) because more direct, explicit terms are "icky".

    We enjoy hearing about your past, not just in this post but also in Our Happily Ever After - Part 1. (We are looking forward to Part 2!) We love the idea that, despite the horrible violations you suffered in the past, Neo helped make you the happy, functional person that you are today. For that, we're grateful. From our interactions on our blogs and on Twitter, we never would have guessed about the adversity you've overcome.

    1. I would love to read your mainstream fiction ;)
      I don't understand it either. I would much prefer using vagina or SOMETHING. You're's the arbitrary use of "sex" to replace it that bothers me. I also get tired of just "pussy" and "cunt"...I need some new language!

      I am looking forward to part 2 as well! Even though I know what happens, it's exciting reading his point of view. It's a real compliment to me that you would never guess my past. I can be a really dark person and get stuck in my own head (again much like Christian), and I think it is amazing that something within me chose Neo at such a young age and knew he was not only who I love but who I NEEDED to flourish in life.

    2. Thank you honey, you also saved me if you remember. I should write about that, I'll call it "Gangster Barely Escaping the Ghetto". We truly complete each other and that is what's so awesome about this life together.