Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Confession: Addicted to him



I’ve never considered myself an addictive personality – not to cigarettes, drugs, alcohol or any of those sorts of vices.   I never understood that deep need for something so badly you would go to great lengths to get it and feel tortured inside when you are denied it.  I believed in addiction, certainly witnessed it in others, but I never envied it.  You could even say I was proud of this.  

Anywhere, Anytime
On rare occasions in the past I have felt this intense need for Neo, a craving like no other.  It would last a few days (most likely from a spike in my hormones).  I would wake up with the desire and he would see it in me and match it.  We would have the time of our lives, savor every moment of it, but it would pass with a certainty and a sad finality. 

I am not talking about love here or the wonderful sex we enjoyed over the years, we have always been close.  I’m talking about the deep seeded need to touch him, to feel his skin, to breathe him in deeply, to encompass him into me.  

Things have changed for me.
There is an ache I have for him when he’s gone from my presence, for even a moment. I'm lost, can't breath, I crave him. 
This is my addiction.

I’m just lucky it is a safe and loving one, because I am a slave to it.  And I don’t want it to end.

8 comments:

  1. I'm starting to lose control, not being with you every moment seems like torture to me. Just knowing you feel the same way towards me makes me want to rush home to you so I can have you in my arms while I kiss on you neck! I want that neck right now!

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  2. This is a beautiful post.

    Vincent and I are the same way - we genuinely enjoy each other and are sad when we can't spend time together. We touch each other all the time; we hold hands, we kiss, he rests his hand on my leg when he's driving, or rubs my back when I'm driving. We hug, inhaling each other's scents deeply when doing so. We snuggle on the sofa. As you point out, we are also addicted to each other, and of all the possible addictions in the world, I am 110% ok with this one.

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    1. Thank you for saying so, Mia. It's so important in a relationship to maintain the closeness.

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  3. I can totally relate to this. I've never smoked, never really did drugs, and I drink socially or for the taste as opposed to for any psychological reason. I don't understand it. I can't imagine being so addicted to alcohol that I can never again touch another drop for the rest of my life. But this is common; we have a few friends who are in recovery for their vices.

    However, the intense need you describe - THAT we both understand. I don't know anything about hormones - yeah, I've got 'em, but I'm a thirty-five-year-old man, not a twelve-year-old going through puberty - but I feel that intense need, much like I assume an addict feels a craving for the substance to which he or she is addicted. For me, there IS love, and there IS sexual desire, but it's so much more than that. For us, it is about an all-encompassing need to be together, physically. I assume it's a lot like what you describe here.

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    1. Completely J&J...yes, I know you get it :)

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  4. YES! I totally get this post. Totally. I'm addicted to the BF, I'd say... our relationship is young and I love to see how couples are still this way after years! Its so exciting to read.

    Not getting enough of your lover, missing them just when you leave the house... its beautiful!

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    1. Thanks Bi&Bi, that's so sweet of you to say. There were some hard times, but always he is my best friend - with or without sex. We are both VERY happy for this sort of second sexual re-start in our marriage (it is deeper than that, but you know what I mean). It says a lot for sticking things out!

      One thing we really try not to do, was call names or degrade the other person in an argument or bring up a past hurt that had already been "settled." That goes a long way for building a strong foundation.

      I'm very happy to be following you two in your relationship. It's very lovely :)

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